Archive for February, 2010
FORTY FOUR AT THE DOOR
Posted 02.14.10 by annajohnson
I was pregnant at 39. In three weeks I will turn 44. I always thought I would be graced with a second child. I recall my Mother, ever the diplomat, consoling me as we Ieft the hospital after my first ultrasound to detect the babies gender. “Never mind, the next one will be a girl.” And I dreamt of that baby. In the last years of my marriage I begged for her. But here we are, a unit of two. Tonight, on Valentine’s Eve, Cello said “I am going to dream myself a brother and when I wake up he will be lying next to me.” That image was so potent that all I could give him as an answer was silence. Children believe that babies grow on trees. I wish they did too. I’d love to show Marcello my belly as it swells and explain life to him through the instruction of my flesh. I’d love him to listen to the thumping beat through the skin or feel an aquatic back flip. My boy still can’t believe he was in there.
“How old are you?” he asks me as if I have been living under a mushroom in a fairytale just waiting to play with him. And “will we stay young forever?” “Only if we brush our teeth” I reply too swiftly.
But his words goad me a little. For him I want to be vital. To run and lift him and stop saying “God I am tired.” So I gave up all alcohol nine days ago and had a facial I couldn’t afford and am eating stupid amounts of produce to be a bit more like a ferociously healthy four year old. Some nights I go to sleep at nine pm just so I know I’ll have edge and humour and not shake him like a rag doll when I am hysterical with exhaustion the next day. Being even tempered is more important than having marathon strength as a single mother. In fact the emotions ARE the marathon.
So, this year, I say goodbye to certain dreams (a second blooming pregnancy) a measure of vanity (the lines are here to stay) and I embrace the compelling challenge. I need to be fit and really emotionally strong for life with Marcello to be happy. It’s not about looking good for my age anymore, it’s simply about enjoying his pace, and keeping it. There’s no denial in this revelation: a hangover at forty four with a small kid is HELL. So to hell with hangovers and extra schlumpy weight and feeling so-so. I live around the corner from a health food store. The local produce shop near the train station is pretty cheap.
When faced with a velvety cruising escalator and stairs I tackle those steps. And then little miracles start I can race him and sing the soundtrack from Rocky and not collapse. I can lift heavy furniture without a man on the other end. I can swing that boy off the earth at 90 degrees and feel the blood surging in my arms. I don’t look any different. The facial didn’t remove the sun damage or the distinct disappointed look my eyes took on and never lost, but I’ve got a Godly amount of grunt…for my age. And this birthday feels like a special one. If you are turning another year older soon I hope you feel the same way. Excited by the chance for another cycle of transformation. Inspired by your kids to be healthy and alive in the moment. And above all cherishing another good year hanging out and growing up with the people you love best.
Till next time, KEEPING IT YUMMY.
XXX ANNA